Ever since last weekend, I haven't seemed to feel the same. My body just feels run down. I am getting more pregnant (which is a very good thing), but this makes it harder to get comfortable. I feel like I get tired easier. Just short trips to the bathroom make me feel exhausted. Understandably, because I've been in bed for the last month. all my muscles are dying. I had another scare yesterday when contractions came back for a couple hours. Luckily, they calmed down on their own. With all of this, I started saying that I don't know if I can make it to 34 weeks. Mentally, I can. I'm not going stir crazy. I am very glad to do this, to keep my baby safe. Physically, however, my body seems to be giving up.
Last night, I read a quote from William James, that stated: "The greatest revolution of our generation is the directory that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives." So, this is my new goal. I need to refuse to let my mind think my body is failing me! If I think and believe hard enough, maybe my body will believe me.
Then, this morning, I was reading this article, by Jeffrey R. Holland. I love this man. He said:
"I have often thought that Nephi's being bound with cords and beaten by rods must have been more tolerable to him than listening to Laman and Lemuel's constant murmuring. Surely, he must have said at least once, "Hit me one more time. I can still hear you." Yes, life has its problems, and yes, there are negative things to face, but please accept one of Elder Holland's maxims for living - no misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse."
Another goal: no complaining! I can do this!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Worst Christmas Ever
This is what I was thinking Christmas Eve night. As I type this, I do realize that even though this was my worst Christmas, I'm very lucky compared to other people. Christmas day, I read a headline entitled "Islamists Kill Dozens in Nigerian Christmas Bombs". My worst Christmas doesn't even hold a candle to what others must be going through.
Let me back up a little and explain. Saturday afternoon, I started to have some cramping. Nothing too serious. I relaxed and waited for it to pass. About 45 minutes later, I call my nurse in to explain. She gives me some Tylenol and monitors me for contractions. No contractions, but I start to have some heavy bleeding. They continue to monitor for contractions and begin monitoring baby's heart rate. Things look stable and Tylenol helps cramping, but bleeding continues. They take some blood samples to check my blood cell count and look for infection: everything comes back okay. The on-call Doc comes in to check on me. Within 5 minutes, contractions start. I notice them on the monitor first, then begin feeling them. Doc comes back in asking if I am feeling those contractions. Yes, I do.
So, what does this mean? Am I going into labor? It was exactly 4 weeks since my water broke. I was still only 26 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Still way too early to have a baby. On-call Doc orders me to start on IV Magnesium. Why? Well, one of the risks to preemie babies is bleeding on the brain. They've discovered that magnesium helps prevent that. They also said that it can stop contractions and labor. Since I am ruptured, they won't stop my body when I go into labor. They were giving me this to give my baby the best possible chances if she decided to come now.
So, around 6:00 on Christmas Eve night, Morgan takes Little Miss home to eat dinner, leave cookies out for Santa and go to bed. And the nurses begin me on IV Magnesium. Let me tell you, magnesium is one of the yuckiest things I have ever had in my body. It has awful side effects. I felt so crummy. I had no energy. My face was all red and flushed, like I was having hot flashes. I also felt nauseated. On top of all this, my bleeding was getting so worrisome, that they didn't even want me getting up to go to the bathroom, so they put in a catheter. I lay in bed, Christmas Eve night, with an IV, continuous monitoring for contractions and baby's heart rate, and a catheter and crying my eyes out. Why does this have to happen on Christmas Eve of all nights? What would we do if I did go into labor? Who would stay with Little Miss? If it was nighttime, that's one thing, but Christmas Eve is a completely other thing. We decided to hope and pray nothing happens, but if it did, we would just call family to come (who lived about an hour away).
So, aside from the above listed side effects of Magnesium, there are some serious side effects if the wrong dose is taken. So, every hour, the nurses needed to check my blood pressure, my temperature, my reflexes and listen to my lungs. Every hour, all night long. It was at 1:30 in the morning, in the midst of all this, that I began thinking this was by far my worst Christmas ever. I wasn't getting any sleep. I finally took the nurse up on the offer to take a sleeping pill, and I slept really well from 2-7. I forced myself to wake up and skype with Morgan and Little Miss. She showed me the fish that Santa left for her. She was so excited. They loaded up some presents and came over to the hospital. I still felt like garbage. Aside from all the magnesium, I was way groggy from the sleeping pill, and I had a massive head ache. I lay in bed, looking and feeling like death while Little Miss opens all her presents.
Mid-morning, on-call Doc comes to check on me and review the monitoring. The magnesium seemed to have stopped the contractions. They could stop the magnesium. Hallelujah! It was a Christmas miracle. They kept a catheter in and were still monitoring my bleeding. I took some Tylenol for my headache, and eventually my sleeping pill wore off. I actually began to feel somewhat normal. And I was still pregnant. Baby Girl decided to stay put a little while longer. Morgan, Little Miss and I spent the day watching Christmas movies and playing with our new toys. It turned out to be a rather nice day.
There is an 18 year old girl who works in house keeping here that is very friendly to talk to. She asked me today if I got everything that I wanted for Christmas. Yes, I did. I am still pregnant. Through this whole ordeal, baby's heart rate always looked fantastic. She still looks great. Even though, this was a rough Christmas, it could have been much, much worse. I've made it to 27 weeks. I have no idea what triggered this episode, or how long it will be before it happens again. I have to just take it one day at a time. And for everyday Baby Girl stays put, it saves her several days in the NICU. So, thank heavens for answered prayers. Christmas ended a million times better than it started.
Let me back up a little and explain. Saturday afternoon, I started to have some cramping. Nothing too serious. I relaxed and waited for it to pass. About 45 minutes later, I call my nurse in to explain. She gives me some Tylenol and monitors me for contractions. No contractions, but I start to have some heavy bleeding. They continue to monitor for contractions and begin monitoring baby's heart rate. Things look stable and Tylenol helps cramping, but bleeding continues. They take some blood samples to check my blood cell count and look for infection: everything comes back okay. The on-call Doc comes in to check on me. Within 5 minutes, contractions start. I notice them on the monitor first, then begin feeling them. Doc comes back in asking if I am feeling those contractions. Yes, I do.
So, what does this mean? Am I going into labor? It was exactly 4 weeks since my water broke. I was still only 26 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Still way too early to have a baby. On-call Doc orders me to start on IV Magnesium. Why? Well, one of the risks to preemie babies is bleeding on the brain. They've discovered that magnesium helps prevent that. They also said that it can stop contractions and labor. Since I am ruptured, they won't stop my body when I go into labor. They were giving me this to give my baby the best possible chances if she decided to come now.
So, around 6:00 on Christmas Eve night, Morgan takes Little Miss home to eat dinner, leave cookies out for Santa and go to bed. And the nurses begin me on IV Magnesium. Let me tell you, magnesium is one of the yuckiest things I have ever had in my body. It has awful side effects. I felt so crummy. I had no energy. My face was all red and flushed, like I was having hot flashes. I also felt nauseated. On top of all this, my bleeding was getting so worrisome, that they didn't even want me getting up to go to the bathroom, so they put in a catheter. I lay in bed, Christmas Eve night, with an IV, continuous monitoring for contractions and baby's heart rate, and a catheter and crying my eyes out. Why does this have to happen on Christmas Eve of all nights? What would we do if I did go into labor? Who would stay with Little Miss? If it was nighttime, that's one thing, but Christmas Eve is a completely other thing. We decided to hope and pray nothing happens, but if it did, we would just call family to come (who lived about an hour away).
So, aside from the above listed side effects of Magnesium, there are some serious side effects if the wrong dose is taken. So, every hour, the nurses needed to check my blood pressure, my temperature, my reflexes and listen to my lungs. Every hour, all night long. It was at 1:30 in the morning, in the midst of all this, that I began thinking this was by far my worst Christmas ever. I wasn't getting any sleep. I finally took the nurse up on the offer to take a sleeping pill, and I slept really well from 2-7. I forced myself to wake up and skype with Morgan and Little Miss. She showed me the fish that Santa left for her. She was so excited. They loaded up some presents and came over to the hospital. I still felt like garbage. Aside from all the magnesium, I was way groggy from the sleeping pill, and I had a massive head ache. I lay in bed, looking and feeling like death while Little Miss opens all her presents.
Mid-morning, on-call Doc comes to check on me and review the monitoring. The magnesium seemed to have stopped the contractions. They could stop the magnesium. Hallelujah! It was a Christmas miracle. They kept a catheter in and were still monitoring my bleeding. I took some Tylenol for my headache, and eventually my sleeping pill wore off. I actually began to feel somewhat normal. And I was still pregnant. Baby Girl decided to stay put a little while longer. Morgan, Little Miss and I spent the day watching Christmas movies and playing with our new toys. It turned out to be a rather nice day.
There is an 18 year old girl who works in house keeping here that is very friendly to talk to. She asked me today if I got everything that I wanted for Christmas. Yes, I did. I am still pregnant. Through this whole ordeal, baby's heart rate always looked fantastic. She still looks great. Even though, this was a rough Christmas, it could have been much, much worse. I've made it to 27 weeks. I have no idea what triggered this episode, or how long it will be before it happens again. I have to just take it one day at a time. And for everyday Baby Girl stays put, it saves her several days in the NICU. So, thank heavens for answered prayers. Christmas ended a million times better than it started.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
So What Do I Do All Day?
This seems to be every one's question for me. Everyone seems very concerned about it. Honestly, I have plenty to do. The Docs and Nurses even told me that women come in here, expecting to be able to get a lot of things done, but they forget they are still growing a baby, and it gets exhausting. Pregnancy is exhausting, even when you spend all day in bed. That has surprised me a little. Sometimes I feel like I need to get things done so I can report to people, "I've read 22 books, knitted so many things, etc." Where the truth is, I've only read half a book. Often days I feel like turning on the tv and watching old Friends episodes, or watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix, or Chuck. I need to remember that its okay to completely waste my day away doing things that are nonproductive. Another huge time waster is the Internet. Between facebook, blogs and pinterest, there's plenty of things to read and help pass the time.
As you read this, you must be thinking that I am incredibly lazy. Honestly, that's what I think as I read it. I think this is another blessing from God. I am content. I don't feel anxious. I don't feel like I'm trapped here, and can't wait to get out. I understand the sacrifice that is required to keep this baby alive, and I'm doing everything in my power to do that. Every day that I stay in bed, gives my baby a better chance at surviving. So, I am content to sit here and do nothing.
However, the thing that makes or breaks a day is the visitors that come. It is so nice to have people come visit and talk with me. It helps the time pass quickly. I love hearing from others. Thank you to all those who have come to visit me.
As you read this, you must be thinking that I am incredibly lazy. Honestly, that's what I think as I read it. I think this is another blessing from God. I am content. I don't feel anxious. I don't feel like I'm trapped here, and can't wait to get out. I understand the sacrifice that is required to keep this baby alive, and I'm doing everything in my power to do that. Every day that I stay in bed, gives my baby a better chance at surviving. So, I am content to sit here and do nothing.
However, the thing that makes or breaks a day is the visitors that come. It is so nice to have people come visit and talk with me. It helps the time pass quickly. I love hearing from others. Thank you to all those who have come to visit me.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Scary NST
For some reason, NST sounds like a sexually transmitted disease to me. Don't worry, it's not. NST is a non stress test. They perform these tests on me twice a day. They monitor the baby's heart rate and monitor to see if I am having any contractions. Most tests I pass with flying colors. Occasionally, they keep me on a little longer to monitor, but things always seem to look really good in the end. Until last night.
They hooked me up to the monitors to start the test, and my nurse leaves the room for a minute to refill my water mug. A healthy baby's heart rate usually fluctuates between 120 and 170. That's the normal range. Baby Girl has had occasional decels, where the heart rate drops momentarily to 100-110, then immediately bounces back up. Last night, I could hear the heart rate slowing, so I watch the monitor and watch it as it lowers to 120. Then 110. Then 100. I start to get worried when I see it in the 90s, then 80s. My nurse comes back in and hears it as it drops to the 70s and 60s then disappears completely. She immediately tries to find the heart beat again, but can't find it right away. She asks if I can feel the baby moving, which I couldn't. She hits the red call button and tells them to rush in the ultrasound machine. As the nurse is desperately trying to find the heart beat, she tells me that she is very concerned that she can't find the heartbeat after it slowing that drastically. They bring in the ultrasound machine and are able to see Baby Girl, still there, with a beating heart. Thank Heavens! They pick the heart beat up with the regular monitor once again, and keep me on the monitor for another hour or two. The rest of the monitoring looked fantastic. It turned into quite a scare, but luckily, everything looked okay in the end. The nurse said that perhaps Baby Girl just rolled over the cord and we happened to catch it on the monitor. Whatever the reason, I hope it doesn't happen again. I like the very boring days where there is nothing to report.
They hooked me up to the monitors to start the test, and my nurse leaves the room for a minute to refill my water mug. A healthy baby's heart rate usually fluctuates between 120 and 170. That's the normal range. Baby Girl has had occasional decels, where the heart rate drops momentarily to 100-110, then immediately bounces back up. Last night, I could hear the heart rate slowing, so I watch the monitor and watch it as it lowers to 120. Then 110. Then 100. I start to get worried when I see it in the 90s, then 80s. My nurse comes back in and hears it as it drops to the 70s and 60s then disappears completely. She immediately tries to find the heart beat again, but can't find it right away. She asks if I can feel the baby moving, which I couldn't. She hits the red call button and tells them to rush in the ultrasound machine. As the nurse is desperately trying to find the heart beat, she tells me that she is very concerned that she can't find the heartbeat after it slowing that drastically. They bring in the ultrasound machine and are able to see Baby Girl, still there, with a beating heart. Thank Heavens! They pick the heart beat up with the regular monitor once again, and keep me on the monitor for another hour or two. The rest of the monitoring looked fantastic. It turned into quite a scare, but luckily, everything looked okay in the end. The nurse said that perhaps Baby Girl just rolled over the cord and we happened to catch it on the monitor. Whatever the reason, I hope it doesn't happen again. I like the very boring days where there is nothing to report.
Monday, December 19, 2011
26 Weeks
That's right. Wahoo! 3 weeks down, only 8 more to go! Honestly, the time is going by relatively quickly. I think if I can make it past 28 weeks, I'll sleep a little better. The longer the better, but to me, that feels like the soonest she could safely come.
I had another ultrasound today with a specialist. I had one 3 weeks ago. They were just charting and making sure Baby Girl is growing. 3 weeks ago, she was measuring just over a pound heavy. Today she is almost 2 pounds. She's doubled her weight, which is fantastic. Everything looks great. She's right on track. They measured my amniotic fluid again today. It's at 3.8. A little down from last week's 4.2, but it all seems to be staying about the same. The Doc even pointed out that she could see fluid in Baby Girl's stomach and bladder, so that fluid should count a little bit for my AF levels.
They weighed me again today, and I'm down 2 pounds from last week. I asked the specialist about it, and she said that Baby shouldn't contribute too much to weight gain this early in pregnancy. She said it sounds like the weight loss is probably attributed to muscle loss. (sad, but expected). She asked what physical activities I've been doing. My response: going to the bathroom and taking a shower. That's it. My regular Doc told me to stay in bed. So they are going to send a physical therapist my way to see if they can work on my dying muscles.
Overall, promising news. Things look good. Things just need to STAY good. The scary thing is that things could change so quickly. That's why I am being monitored in the hospital. But another week down and things are stable today! What a good day!
I had another ultrasound today with a specialist. I had one 3 weeks ago. They were just charting and making sure Baby Girl is growing. 3 weeks ago, she was measuring just over a pound heavy. Today she is almost 2 pounds. She's doubled her weight, which is fantastic. Everything looks great. She's right on track. They measured my amniotic fluid again today. It's at 3.8. A little down from last week's 4.2, but it all seems to be staying about the same. The Doc even pointed out that she could see fluid in Baby Girl's stomach and bladder, so that fluid should count a little bit for my AF levels.
They weighed me again today, and I'm down 2 pounds from last week. I asked the specialist about it, and she said that Baby shouldn't contribute too much to weight gain this early in pregnancy. She said it sounds like the weight loss is probably attributed to muscle loss. (sad, but expected). She asked what physical activities I've been doing. My response: going to the bathroom and taking a shower. That's it. My regular Doc told me to stay in bed. So they are going to send a physical therapist my way to see if they can work on my dying muscles.
Overall, promising news. Things look good. Things just need to STAY good. The scary thing is that things could change so quickly. That's why I am being monitored in the hospital. But another week down and things are stable today! What a good day!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
I Can
I had a sweet woman come to my room today and bring me a little gift bag full of presents. It touched me so deeply, it brought me to tears. I have no idea who this woman is and she doesn't know me. But she was in the hospital last Christmas, on bed rest because of premature ruptured membranes. I think it touched me so much because she understands exactly what I am going through. She knows the feelings of anguish, frustration, sorrow, discomfort, fear. I've had many, many people express to me "Oh, I can't imagine what you're going through" or "I don't envy you at all, I couldn't do this". It was really meaningful to me to have someone who does know exactly what its like (and to have survived it) to encourage me along. In the gift bag, there was a cute photo holder that says "I Can." I put an ultrasound picture in it and I have it where I can stare at it all day. It's true. I can do this. I'm not the first or only person who has had to do this. It will be worth it in the end. So, thank you so much anonymous woman. You have no idea what kind of impact you made in my life.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
This Week's Results
I had my AFI (amniotic fluid index) test again this week. I was pretty nervous. Two weeks ago my number was 4.5. Last week it dropped to 3.2. This week it was 4.2. The nurses and Doc all have the same response "So, it's staying about the same." Maybe there's a margin of error. I don't really know what the numbers really mean, but I'm thrilled that I'm 'staying the same', instead of loosing fluid.
Once a week, the nurses let me walk outside of my hospital room to weigh in. Kind of a depressing journey, but that's okay. It's one of those things that I have come to accept. All I do is sit in bed, all day long. I physically CAN'T exercise (or move much) right now, so I'm kind of expecting to weigh over 300 pounds when I come out of the hospital! I maintained my entrance weight during the first week. This week, however, I actually lost half a pound. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I am eating a lot healthier here in the hospital than I did at home. That might have something to do with it. Also, I wonder at what rate I'm losing my leg muscles! Anyway, half a pound is such a tiny amount, that it probably doesn't even matter.
Once a week, the nurses let me walk outside of my hospital room to weigh in. Kind of a depressing journey, but that's okay. It's one of those things that I have come to accept. All I do is sit in bed, all day long. I physically CAN'T exercise (or move much) right now, so I'm kind of expecting to weigh over 300 pounds when I come out of the hospital! I maintained my entrance weight during the first week. This week, however, I actually lost half a pound. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I am eating a lot healthier here in the hospital than I did at home. That might have something to do with it. Also, I wonder at what rate I'm losing my leg muscles! Anyway, half a pound is such a tiny amount, that it probably doesn't even matter.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Hibernation
Right now, I'm looking out my window and I see massive snowflakes covering the ground. It's beautiful. I'm listening to "Let It Snow" on Pandora. I feel at peace and very content. I love Christmas time. I love that I had my tree up and house decorated a week or two before Thanksgiving. I love that I happened to have all my Christmas shopping done before I came to the hospital. I love that I can sit in my warm room and look out my wall of windows and enjoy the beautiful falling snow, knowing that I don't have to go out and travel in it. I love that Morgan and Little Miss are literally blocks away from the hospital. Last night, we helped Little Miss write a letter to Santa. I love that she wants Santa to bring her a baby fish. I love the fact that Morgan and I have had several conversations trying to logistically figure out how to get a goldfish while I am in the hospital. We'll figure it out!
I love the fact that its winter. If I have to be inside for almost 3 months, I love that its the months of December, January and February! I can just hibernate! Soon afterwards, it will be Spring and Summer and I can go for walks and try to lose all this weight and regain any leg muscles I am most certainly losing.
It's amazing how grateful I have felt the last couple of weeks. I am so incredibly blessed.
I love the fact that its winter. If I have to be inside for almost 3 months, I love that its the months of December, January and February! I can just hibernate! Soon afterwards, it will be Spring and Summer and I can go for walks and try to lose all this weight and regain any leg muscles I am most certainly losing.
It's amazing how grateful I have felt the last couple of weeks. I am so incredibly blessed.
Monday, December 12, 2011
25 Weeks
Yes, that's right, I'm 25 weeks pregnant. I've survived two full weeks of hospitalized bed rest. They told us that if we can make it the first two weeks, then our chances are increased for making it the full time. Honestly, the bed rest is the easy part. I know there are tons of people out there that would gladly sit in bed for 3 months if it meant they could have a baby. And I am happy to do it. I just wish that it would guarantee having a healthy baby. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee. Instead they tell me that I must stay in bed and give me a list a mile long of all the potential risks involved for my baby. I can survive this - no problem. I just hope and pray this Baby Girl can survive it too.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Sugar and Spice
When I was pregnant with Little Miss, I was 100% sure she was a girl. In my mind there wasn't even a possibility that she could have been a boy. We went to our 20 week ultrasound, and sure enough, we were having a girl. Loved It! Earlier in this pregnancy, I was 100% sure I was having a boy. Just my 'mother's intuition' just felt like a boy. So, when we went to our 20 week ultrasound, and we were told that we were having a girl, I was shocked. Not that I don't love girls. Honestly, I LOVE all the pink and frills and cute stuff. I just mentally was preparing for a boy.
Since then, I have found many, many reasons why I am glad this little one is a girl. We have everything girl already. Super easy! Little Miss can be a good friend with her little sister. They will have to share a room, and now they can share it for forever, if necessary. Plus,, Little Miss's room is super girly and cute. I won't have to change it to be gender neutral.
Since coming into the hospital, I have another reason that we are grateful that we are having a girl. For some reason, that the health care professionals can't quite explain, girls have a higher survival rate when they are premature. The specialists listed the fact that we are having a girl as something in our favor. I hope we have a strong-willed, fighting girl, because she might need all the help she can get just getting into this world.
I'm confident that's why Heavenly Father sent us a girl this time. Even though Morgan was hoping for a boy. I was convinced we were having a boy. And even Little Miss said she thought the baby in my tummy was a boy baby. We are so grateful we're having another little girl. And we just hope and pray she can stay put for as long as possible.
Since then, I have found many, many reasons why I am glad this little one is a girl. We have everything girl already. Super easy! Little Miss can be a good friend with her little sister. They will have to share a room, and now they can share it for forever, if necessary. Plus,, Little Miss's room is super girly and cute. I won't have to change it to be gender neutral.
Since coming into the hospital, I have another reason that we are grateful that we are having a girl. For some reason, that the health care professionals can't quite explain, girls have a higher survival rate when they are premature. The specialists listed the fact that we are having a girl as something in our favor. I hope we have a strong-willed, fighting girl, because she might need all the help she can get just getting into this world.
I'm confident that's why Heavenly Father sent us a girl this time. Even though Morgan was hoping for a boy. I was convinced we were having a boy. And even Little Miss said she thought the baby in my tummy was a boy baby. We are so grateful we're having another little girl. And we just hope and pray she can stay put for as long as possible.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Over Reacting
Maybe I was a wee-bit over reacting about my results yesterday. Last night's baby monitoring was fantastic. They were going to monitor me for an hour (just to make sure), but after 45 minutes, they pulled me off because the baby looked fantastic. Yay!
I talked with my Doc this morning and he didn't seem concerned about my fluid levels measuring less than last week. He mentioned how my levels had stayed about the same. I pointed out that last week it was a 4, but this week it was a 3. He then explained that it was measured in cubic centimeters, and the difference between 1 cubic cm is very little. He pointed out that the most important thing is that I am still pregnant and baby seems to be doing well. I asked about the extra monitoring from yesterday and he wasn't concerned about it. He said it's actually pretty normal for such a small baby to have those. He said he begins to be concerned when the heart rate goes down and stays down. All they had been seeing were little spikes of dropping, but immediately rising again.
I'll try not to make mountains out of mole hills anymore!
I talked with my Doc this morning and he didn't seem concerned about my fluid levels measuring less than last week. He mentioned how my levels had stayed about the same. I pointed out that last week it was a 4, but this week it was a 3. He then explained that it was measured in cubic centimeters, and the difference between 1 cubic cm is very little. He pointed out that the most important thing is that I am still pregnant and baby seems to be doing well. I asked about the extra monitoring from yesterday and he wasn't concerned about it. He said it's actually pretty normal for such a small baby to have those. He said he begins to be concerned when the heart rate goes down and stays down. All they had been seeing were little spikes of dropping, but immediately rising again.
I'll try not to make mountains out of mole hills anymore!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
We'll See
My number one goal during this experience is to have a positive attitude about this. This is just the way this has to be, and there is NOTHING I can do about it, so why whine about it? So, today, when I have not-so-fantastic news, it's hard to share this update, and still keep it positive.
First of all, I had my AFI (amniotic fluid index) test. I had it done last week and my fluid measured a 4.5. Low, but I knew that. I spent all week in bed, and I really didn't feel like I was leaking much, if any, fluids. Today's test revealed a fluid level of 3.2, I was crushed. What more can I do? Nothing. Stay in bed. Drink plenty of fluids. Check. I spent most of the day drinking even MORE water and hoping that their AFI test is flawed.
Secondly, they performed my NST (non stress test) this morning, like they do every morning and every evening. It's supposed to be 20-30 minutes of monitoring the baby's heart rate. Well, today, they noticed more than usual decels (decelerations) in the heart rate. So, they kept the monitor on for 4 or 5 hours. Still just enough 'concerned' moments, to make me (and the nurses) worried.
Now it's just a bunch of "we'll sees". We'll see what the evening monitoring reveals. We'll see what my doctor says about it tomorrow. We'll see what my AFI results are next week. The good news is I am still not having any contractions or pains. And still no sign of infection. And I'm officially 24 weeks (and one day), which is a lot better than 23 weeks. Each and every week counts, even every day counts. So, I guess we will just wait and see.
First of all, I had my AFI (amniotic fluid index) test. I had it done last week and my fluid measured a 4.5. Low, but I knew that. I spent all week in bed, and I really didn't feel like I was leaking much, if any, fluids. Today's test revealed a fluid level of 3.2, I was crushed. What more can I do? Nothing. Stay in bed. Drink plenty of fluids. Check. I spent most of the day drinking even MORE water and hoping that their AFI test is flawed.
Secondly, they performed my NST (non stress test) this morning, like they do every morning and every evening. It's supposed to be 20-30 minutes of monitoring the baby's heart rate. Well, today, they noticed more than usual decels (decelerations) in the heart rate. So, they kept the monitor on for 4 or 5 hours. Still just enough 'concerned' moments, to make me (and the nurses) worried.
Now it's just a bunch of "we'll sees". We'll see what the evening monitoring reveals. We'll see what my doctor says about it tomorrow. We'll see what my AFI results are next week. The good news is I am still not having any contractions or pains. And still no sign of infection. And I'm officially 24 weeks (and one day), which is a lot better than 23 weeks. Each and every week counts, even every day counts. So, I guess we will just wait and see.
Monday, December 5, 2011
My MTC
I've come up with a little analogy of my hospital stay. I've told people, and they think I'm crazy, but it helps me feel better about the whole thing. Being in the hospital feels like my MTC stay. In several cases, this seems better than the MTC!
- Now, several (several) years ago, I entered the MTC on December 3. It's the same time of year.
- In the MTC, you are in Provo, but unable to go anywhere. Same here, I look out my window and see all of civilization, but I am unable to go anywhere.
- The cafeteria isn't bad the first week, but I anticipate getting tired of it, like I did the MTC food. Except here, I can choose what I want to eat!
- I spent Christmas in the MTC. We made a paper tree and taped it to our wall and opened presents and it was an awesome experience. This year, I even have a little tree in my room and I will be able to spend it with my family!
- I get to spend my hospital stay in my pajamas instead of nylons!
- In the MTC, I spent hour after hour, day after day, in a little room with no windows, just reading and studying. Not much physical activity. Here in the hospital, I can still read or study all day, but I get a whole wall of windows with a beautiful view of the mountains.
Anyway, this is kind of silly, but it helps me. I not only survived the MTC, but enjoyed it. It is what I was called to do, and the sacrifice of serving a mission was so worth it. Just like this experience, this is what I'm required to do. And it will be worth it. Something that I've discovered since becoming a mother is that my life no longer belongs to me. I live and breathe to take care of Little Miss. And since I've become pregnant, my body is no longer my own. I will do whatever is necessary to keep this new baby girl safe. It's a sacrifice that I'm not only willing to make, but am happy to make.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Crash of Reality
One full week down. Hooray! Once again, no changes, which is fantastic! The nurses have been so nice and helpful. They check, several times a day, my temperature, my blood pressure and ask if I have any pains. And so far, every time it looks good. I am so thankful for that, and I pray that it will continue like that for the next 10 weeks. Yesterday, the on call Doc came in to check on me and mentioned that they just delivered twins where the sac had ruptured early. And the twins weren't going to make it. They were only 21 weeks. So sad and tragic. That easily could have been my story last week when I came in to the hospital with ruptured membranes. How grateful I am that I still am pregnant with this sweet baby girl. Hearing this tragic experience, just reminds me how fragile this situation is. And my stable, going-good status can change in a heartbeat. Let's hope and pray it doesn't!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Wheelchair Rides
That's right, I've earned a wheelchair ride everyday! They mentioned it earlier in the week, that as soon as I'm really stable, I'll be able to take a wheelchair ride everyday. And this morning when I was talking with the Doc, he said I could start. Yay! What a simple thing to get excited over, but that's okay. I'm stable which is fantastic news. And I get to get out of my hospital room once a day. They said I could even go outside and get fresh air. Hooray!
Why is this Happening?
This is a fantastic question, and we might have an answer. First of all, this happened with my first pregnancy too. I was 35 weeks pregnant when my water broke (not a gush, just a trickle) and I didn't go into labor, they induced me. However, at 35 weeks, Little Miss was completely healthy. She weighed 6 lbs 7 oz and came home with me. So, I didn't think much of it. I thought she was just ready to come, so she came. So, the fact that this is happening again (only much earlier) is kind of a concern. As I talked to one of the specialists, she told me there are certain risk factors that cause a premature rupture of membranes: 1) Smoking. (definitely not that) 2) Steroid Use (nope) and 3) abnormalities in uterus (check).
When Little Miss was born, they discovered that I had a septum in my uterus. The top of my uterus has a little wall, kind of like a heart shaped uterus. Before I became pregnant the second time around, I made doctors appointments and had tests done to check out what this meant for future pregnancies. We were trying to be responsible about it. With all the info we received, we decided that since I hadn't had any miscarriages and had a successful pregnancy already, that we shouldn't get it taken care of. We knew it might cause miscarriages, sometimes early labor, and C-Section (instead of Vaginal births). So with those risks, we decided to just try. Plus there were risks that if we got it taken care of, it could prevent pregnancy. We definitely didn't realize that this could be one of the possible outcomes.
I think about what would have happened if we had it taken care of before, and it tragically turned into a hysterectomy. We wouldn't have this baby girl in our family. So if she can hold on and I can hold on, then it will turn out okay.
When Little Miss was born, they discovered that I had a septum in my uterus. The top of my uterus has a little wall, kind of like a heart shaped uterus. Before I became pregnant the second time around, I made doctors appointments and had tests done to check out what this meant for future pregnancies. We were trying to be responsible about it. With all the info we received, we decided that since I hadn't had any miscarriages and had a successful pregnancy already, that we shouldn't get it taken care of. We knew it might cause miscarriages, sometimes early labor, and C-Section (instead of Vaginal births). So with those risks, we decided to just try. Plus there were risks that if we got it taken care of, it could prevent pregnancy. We definitely didn't realize that this could be one of the possible outcomes.
I think about what would have happened if we had it taken care of before, and it tragically turned into a hysterectomy. We wouldn't have this baby girl in our family. So if she can hold on and I can hold on, then it will turn out okay.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
What's New?
Everyone always asks with concern, "Any new news today?" and I happily tell them "NO!". For every day that nothing changes, that means I am staying stable and Baby Girl is staying put. This is excellent news. No signs of infection. No contractions. Baby's heart rate is strong and healthy. Let's just hope and pray that it stays that way for a very long time.
Then the next question is "So, what do you do all day?" That's an excellent question, and I'm just beginning to know the answer to this. The first several days were busy with tests, doctors, specialist consults and crying. That was followed by a few days of constant visitors. Family members, friends and neighbors filtered in as they heard that I was here. Little Miss has been able to come and visit for several hours most days which is wonderful. It's soo nice to have her close to me.
I have plenty to do. I have tons of books to read and puzzles to complete and movies to watch. And so far, it's not driving me crazy at all. Only 5 days down, over 10 weeks to go. We can do this!
Then the next question is "So, what do you do all day?" That's an excellent question, and I'm just beginning to know the answer to this. The first several days were busy with tests, doctors, specialist consults and crying. That was followed by a few days of constant visitors. Family members, friends and neighbors filtered in as they heard that I was here. Little Miss has been able to come and visit for several hours most days which is wonderful. It's soo nice to have her close to me.
I have plenty to do. I have tons of books to read and puzzles to complete and movies to watch. And so far, it's not driving me crazy at all. Only 5 days down, over 10 weeks to go. We can do this!
Uncontrollable Crying
Pregnancy for me usually equals an overload of hormones which usually leads to crying for no reason. Often times I just couldn't keep myself from crying for absolutely no reason at all. Well, I've had plenty of good reasons to cry since Saturday night, and sometimes I simply cannot control it or stop it. I honestly got to the point where I was surprised that there were still tears, I thought for sure I had run out.
On Monday morning, during my breakfast, I listened to a recent general conference talk by Elder Carl B Cook of the Seventy. He said, "Experience has taught me that if we, like President Monson, exercise our faith and look to God for help, we will not be overwhelmed with the burdens of this life. We will not feel incapable of doing what we are called to do or need to do. We will be strengthened and our lives will be filled with peace and joy. We will come to realize that most of what we worry about is not of eternal significance - and if it is, the Lord will help us. But we must have the faith to look up and the courage to follow His direction." Well, on turned the water works AGAIN, as I realized that what I was dealing with was of eternal significance, and I knew that the Lord would help us. Whether this sweet baby girl gets to continue to grow and develop and have a mortal life now, or whether we get to raise this girl in the next life is completely up to the Lord, and I just need to have faith.
On Tuesday morning, I watched Elder Neil L Andersen's general conference talk and he said "Where is your faith?" I need to remind myself where I do put my faith.
With these reminders and the Lord's help, I feel a lot more confident with what I am required to do to have a healthier baby. So, I need to stay in bed for 11 weeks. I don't cry about it anymore. I know that things will work out they way the Lord will have it. And it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the safety of my daughter.
On Monday morning, during my breakfast, I listened to a recent general conference talk by Elder Carl B Cook of the Seventy. He said, "Experience has taught me that if we, like President Monson, exercise our faith and look to God for help, we will not be overwhelmed with the burdens of this life. We will not feel incapable of doing what we are called to do or need to do. We will be strengthened and our lives will be filled with peace and joy. We will come to realize that most of what we worry about is not of eternal significance - and if it is, the Lord will help us. But we must have the faith to look up and the courage to follow His direction." Well, on turned the water works AGAIN, as I realized that what I was dealing with was of eternal significance, and I knew that the Lord would help us. Whether this sweet baby girl gets to continue to grow and develop and have a mortal life now, or whether we get to raise this girl in the next life is completely up to the Lord, and I just need to have faith.
On Tuesday morning, I watched Elder Neil L Andersen's general conference talk and he said "Where is your faith?" I need to remind myself where I do put my faith.
With these reminders and the Lord's help, I feel a lot more confident with what I am required to do to have a healthier baby. So, I need to stay in bed for 11 weeks. I don't cry about it anymore. I know that things will work out they way the Lord will have it. And it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the safety of my daughter.
Monday's Tests
Since we were admitted over the weekend, a few things needed to wait until Monday to get accomplished. One of which was to talk to my doctor. He was out of town over the weekend, and I had just met with an on-call doctor. By this point, he didn't have any new news. The courses of intense antibiotics should continue. Considering everything goes well (ie no contractions or infections) then he won't give the green light to come off of bed rest until I reach 34 weeks. Grand total of 11 weeks in bed. But that's okay, because that means this Baby Girl will be a lot more ready to come into this world then.
They also gave me an ultrasound and had me meet with some perio-something-specialist. This was another rush of the realistic complications that are present. This isn't an ideal pregnancy and the possibilities of a horrible outcome are very real. The baby had dropped. Her head is sooo low they couldn't see it on the ultrasound. One of the nurses pointed out that this might be a good thing. She can use her noggin kind of like a cork, keeping more fluid inside.
They also measured the amount of amniotic fluid. They said a normal level is 10-20. Mine was measuring at 4.5. Low. But there still is some fluid. Some possible complications of lack of fluid consist of affecting lung development and leg, arm, and joint development. Without enough fluid, the baby doesn't learn to breathe and so her lungs don't learn to work properly. And if there isn't enough fluid for the baby to move, her arms and legs won't work properly. And honestly, the only way to really know is to wait until the baby is born. The placenta and baby's urine produces more fluid, which is promising. The only way to know at what rate I'm loosing fluid compared to the fluid that is being produced is monitored by ultrasound over the upcoming weeks.
One of the highlights was that Morgan and Little Miss spent a huge portion of the day with me. Little Miss makes herself at home and climbs into bed with me and just cuddles with me and 'hugs' baby sister. When it was bed time and time for them to go home, it broke my heart to have Little Miss cry and say she didn't want to leave mommy. I don't ever want her to leave either.
They also gave me an ultrasound and had me meet with some perio-something-specialist. This was another rush of the realistic complications that are present. This isn't an ideal pregnancy and the possibilities of a horrible outcome are very real. The baby had dropped. Her head is sooo low they couldn't see it on the ultrasound. One of the nurses pointed out that this might be a good thing. She can use her noggin kind of like a cork, keeping more fluid inside.
They also measured the amount of amniotic fluid. They said a normal level is 10-20. Mine was measuring at 4.5. Low. But there still is some fluid. Some possible complications of lack of fluid consist of affecting lung development and leg, arm, and joint development. Without enough fluid, the baby doesn't learn to breathe and so her lungs don't learn to work properly. And if there isn't enough fluid for the baby to move, her arms and legs won't work properly. And honestly, the only way to really know is to wait until the baby is born. The placenta and baby's urine produces more fluid, which is promising. The only way to know at what rate I'm loosing fluid compared to the fluid that is being produced is monitored by ultrasound over the upcoming weeks.
One of the highlights was that Morgan and Little Miss spent a huge portion of the day with me. Little Miss makes herself at home and climbs into bed with me and just cuddles with me and 'hugs' baby sister. When it was bed time and time for them to go home, it broke my heart to have Little Miss cry and say she didn't want to leave mommy. I don't ever want her to leave either.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
First Night and Day
This was quite possibly the longest night of my life. After the diagnosis came that I would have to stay, Morgan went home to send our friends home, so he could be home with Little Miss. The next several hours after 1:00 in the morning consisted of more monitoring, IVs, temperature checking, a shot in the tushy, and trips to the bathroom. With the remaining moments left for me to sleep, I couldn't get my mind to rest. What were we going to do? Who was going to watch Little Miss? How can we spend Christmas here? It was exhausting. A lot of uncontrollable crying, that I like to blame on the hormones.
Sunday Morning was a little crazy. I'm the Primary President in my ward. I was supposed to go to a 7:00 AM Ward Council meeting, which I obviously missed. Then I had an appointment with my Bishop at 8:30, which I obviously missed. I was supposed to teach Sharing Time that day also, so I spent the morning trying to get in touch with the one and only member of the presidency that was going to be at church that day. Morgan said that the phone was ringing off the hook with calls of concern and teachers calling to cancel. Poor Morgan had to deal with a lot of it for me.
Morgan and Little Miss spent most of the day with me, which was wonderful. We began calling our parents to tell them the news. We started to make a plan for who was going to watch Little Miss on which days. Making a plan felt so good. My dad, step-mom and sister came to visit bringing loads of things to keep me occupied. I'm SOOOO grateful for that.
We had a neo-something-specialist come and talk to us about the very real problems that 23 week and Preemie babies could have. Not very good news, but good information to have. He told us that we need to be prepared to make some pretty serious decisions, based on how developed our baby is. We need to ask ourselves what kind of life do we want this baby to have? It helped us put things into perspective and realize that we need God's help more now than anytime. Morgan and I pretty much decided that it is in the Lord's hands. We're doing everything within our power. We have all these doctors and technology on our side. And if the baby comes before she's ready, then we can raise this baby in the next life. That's the beauty of an eternal family. And if all goes well and I can stay pregnant until she is nice and healthy and ready to come, then we will raise this baby in this life. But it's out of our hands. We just need to exercise faith.
Sunday night I slept soo well. I was so exhausted from no sleep the night before. And we had a plan of who was going to care for Little Miss. And I was feeling fine. Several hours of sleep is exactly what my body needed.
Sunday Morning was a little crazy. I'm the Primary President in my ward. I was supposed to go to a 7:00 AM Ward Council meeting, which I obviously missed. Then I had an appointment with my Bishop at 8:30, which I obviously missed. I was supposed to teach Sharing Time that day also, so I spent the morning trying to get in touch with the one and only member of the presidency that was going to be at church that day. Morgan said that the phone was ringing off the hook with calls of concern and teachers calling to cancel. Poor Morgan had to deal with a lot of it for me.
Morgan and Little Miss spent most of the day with me, which was wonderful. We began calling our parents to tell them the news. We started to make a plan for who was going to watch Little Miss on which days. Making a plan felt so good. My dad, step-mom and sister came to visit bringing loads of things to keep me occupied. I'm SOOOO grateful for that.
We had a neo-something-specialist come and talk to us about the very real problems that 23 week and Preemie babies could have. Not very good news, but good information to have. He told us that we need to be prepared to make some pretty serious decisions, based on how developed our baby is. We need to ask ourselves what kind of life do we want this baby to have? It helped us put things into perspective and realize that we need God's help more now than anytime. Morgan and I pretty much decided that it is in the Lord's hands. We're doing everything within our power. We have all these doctors and technology on our side. And if the baby comes before she's ready, then we can raise this baby in the next life. That's the beauty of an eternal family. And if all goes well and I can stay pregnant until she is nice and healthy and ready to come, then we will raise this baby in this life. But it's out of our hands. We just need to exercise faith.
Sunday night I slept soo well. I was so exhausted from no sleep the night before. And we had a plan of who was going to care for Little Miss. And I was feeling fine. Several hours of sleep is exactly what my body needed.
The Diagnosis
So far, this has not been what I've envisioned how my second pregnancy was supposed to go. That's rarely how things go in life though. I've had a pretty healthy pregnancy so far. A couple ultrasounds identified a sub chorionic hemmorrage which required me to be on 'take it easy' orders for a good 12 weeks. No heavy lifting, no vacuuming or anything that would overwork the pelvic area. Check. Not that big of a deal. I was feeling great. At our 20 week ultrasound, everything looked healthy and found out we were having another baby girl.
Saturday, November 26 everything changed. That evening, I noticed some spotting. Which honestly isn't the end of the world, especially with my diagnosised hemmorages. But it felt a lot more serious than that. I took it easy for a couple hours and put my Little Miss to bed while my husband went to a meeting. Around 9:30 that night, the spotting had actually gotten a little worse, so I called my doctor and he told me to go to the hospital to be monitored. We called our friends over to stay with Little Miss while we journied to the hospital.
Admissions and testing and diagnosing took several hours. The nurses tried to be reassuring, but as the evening wore on, the news didn't look very good. I was only 23 weeks pregnant. Around 1 in the morning, we were told that I needed to be admitted and stay on hospitalized bedrest until the baby was born. I had prePROM, premature rupture of membranes, or my amniotic fluid was leaking. Basically my water had broken. Not good news for a 23 week baby.
Our course of action: bedrest 100% of the day. Heavy heavy doses of antibiotics to help avoid infection. Steriods to help develop the baby's lungs. A lot of prayer.
Considering everything goes well, I will be on bedrest until Week 34.
Saturday, November 26 everything changed. That evening, I noticed some spotting. Which honestly isn't the end of the world, especially with my diagnosised hemmorages. But it felt a lot more serious than that. I took it easy for a couple hours and put my Little Miss to bed while my husband went to a meeting. Around 9:30 that night, the spotting had actually gotten a little worse, so I called my doctor and he told me to go to the hospital to be monitored. We called our friends over to stay with Little Miss while we journied to the hospital.
Admissions and testing and diagnosing took several hours. The nurses tried to be reassuring, but as the evening wore on, the news didn't look very good. I was only 23 weeks pregnant. Around 1 in the morning, we were told that I needed to be admitted and stay on hospitalized bedrest until the baby was born. I had prePROM, premature rupture of membranes, or my amniotic fluid was leaking. Basically my water had broken. Not good news for a 23 week baby.
Our course of action: bedrest 100% of the day. Heavy heavy doses of antibiotics to help avoid infection. Steriods to help develop the baby's lungs. A lot of prayer.
Considering everything goes well, I will be on bedrest until Week 34.
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